Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Randomize
