honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
