nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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