Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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