Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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