found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
