the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize