a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
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I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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