Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
