Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
