Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
