We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
