Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
