Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
then he tried to convert me to islam
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
