Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
