i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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