I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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