im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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