I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
