You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize