i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
