I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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