i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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