i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
