Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
