the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
