Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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