I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
