WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
