I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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