just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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