I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
