i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize