I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
