You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
