too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
