i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
