There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
