I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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