it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
