i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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