I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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