There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Who died my cat blue again?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
