My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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