Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
