i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
not ubering you a puppy
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
