i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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