apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
