1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
