So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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