is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
