Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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