Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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