You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
