I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
